Who is Mama Mia?
Who is Mama Mia? Whew Chile, I struggle with this question often. I’m still in the process of figuring out who I am, but I will tell y’all what I know so far…
I think the best way to define myself is as an experienced mother. If mothering was a job, I would be considered a professional. I have been a mother since I was sixteen years old, almost twenty-eight years. I have given birth at just about every stage of my life, from teens to almost forty-years old. Although I became a mother for the first time as a teenager, I wasn’t your average teen mom, I was much more committed to parenting “my way.
My oldest baby
With my oldest daughter, “my way” was mostly focused on appearances. She had to be perfect at all times. Now, as we all know, forcing a newborn, infant, toddler, or preschooler to be “perfect” is virtually impossible. But that was my goal. She couldn’t have a speck of dirt on her, and her hair never had a strand out of place. She had to be dressed in the latest fashions, even if I actually went totally broke to achieve that. She had to be extremely smart, so I badgered her with information. She was reading at four years old and multiplying in kindergarten. However, because I was young and very rebellious, I failed to teach her the value of respecting her elders. Instead, I taught her that “you have to give respect to get respect,” and therefore she should only respect people who she felt were respectful to her. Big mistake! Respect is a very relative and fluid term, and ultimately I raised a very disrespectful child.
My only son
By the time I had my second child, and only son, at twenty-two years old, I was over the perfectionism. I stayed committed to dressing him in the latest fashion, but he was allowed to get dirty and I had absolutely no interest in what age he learned to read, or
do anything else, for that matter. My son was a total challenge to motherhood, so he spent an excessive amount of time with his father. I wasn’t as concerned with controlling what went on with him because I was completely overwhelmed by how much he refused to be controlled. He never challenged my intelligence but he challenged my authority every chance he could. At this point in my parenting journey, “my way” was simply being a financial provider. I would buy that boy whatever he wanted and send him right back to his father’s family. One good thing about my son spending so much time with his father’s family is that he turned out to be much more respectful. Disrespect was not an option with his grandparents so he learned to respect his elders.
By the time I was thirty years old, I had three more daughters, for a total of five kids. Because my last three girls were so close in age, I suffered from compounded postpartum depression for years. My parenting style with them was very odd. I was still determined to do it “my way,” but that consisted of me working a lot and leaving my oldest daughter to babysit and do most of the housework. I was distracted by my “situation” and disconnected from everyone most of the time. My primary goals were to work and provide. I made sure all of my kids had everything they needed, and most of what they wanted. I was just very emotionally detached. I was totally unable to process their emotions because I couldn’t even begin to process my own. I worked so much that I treated my household like a job. I was the owner, my oldest daughter was the manager, and the little girls were the employees. Miraculously, my three girls learned to respect their elders, love God, and turned out to be some of the best young ladies I know. I take minimal credit for their greatness but I am extremely proud of them!
When I turned thirty-five, I decided to start trying to take back my life. I was still very focused on providing for my family, but I also started to work on my mental and emotional well-being. I went to counseling for a few sessions, but I just couldn’t continue to fit that into my very busy schedule. Then I started reading my bible more and talking to my pastor about things that I couldn’t seem to figure out. The more I worked on my spiritual life, the more things began to fall into place. I had recently graduated with my bachelor’s degree in accounting, so I applied to the MBA (Masters of Business Administration) program and started studying for my MBA with a concentration in finance. I simultaneously started studying for a real estate license and taking classes to receive a license to sell life insurance. By the second semester of my MBA program, I was a licensed real estate broker and a licensed life insurance agent. I was doing pretty well financially, and feeling much better mentally and emotionally.
By the time I was finally coming out of my extensive depression and finding myself again, I had the utter shock of my life!
“Ms. Rucker, you’re pregnant… with twins!”
Those words completely shattered my world. Not only did I feel totally incapable of financially providing for two more kids, I felt emotionally maxed out. I had five kids already. I just didn’t think my heart was big enough to love any more kids. Not to mention, my oldest daughter had just given birth to the most beautiful gray-eyed doll I had ever seen. I just wasn’t up for the challenge of starting over as a MOTHER. I was ready to maximize my grandmother and auntie potential.
Gray-Eyed Doll
Well God had other plans, and six months later, my Twinkies arrived. They were premature, but healthy. That’s all that mattered to me. I was in complete awe at how my body had carried and delivered TWO babies at one time. And my heart seemed to just ease through the birth canal with them. To think that I didn’t feel capable of loving any more kids, but my whole heart expanded to encompass their entire little bodies when they were born. It’s something so different and amazing about having kids at an older age.
They literally changed my entire outlook on life.
After a rocky start with the babies in the NICU, a couple years of depression, and some raving pity parties, I made a conscious decision to be the best version of myself for these two little girls that had totally shaken my world. I realized that being broken and detached was not only hurting me, but it was negatively affecting my children. Therefore, I started being dedicated to improving my thoughts, feelings, and overall outlook on life, once again. I finally started to heal the brokenness that had begun in childhood, some things I had actually buried and ignored the first time I was working on myself. I had to dig deeper than before because some deeper issues had presented themselves. It was a hard, long, emotionally draining process, but it was more rewarding than anything I had ever done in my life. To watch myself go from broken to healed, mentally and emotionally, was absolutely amazing.
During the healing process, I realized that I couldn’t heal in the same environment that had helped me stay broken for so long. At that point, I knew I had to move to a place that was far away and totally different from the places that I had been living all of my life. I couldn’t completely heal until I was fully removed from all the situations that had contributed to my brokenness. And that’s when I finalized my decision to move abroad.
At this point in my life, I can say with 100% certainty that the Mama Mia I am today only vaguely resembles the Mama Mia I was at sixteen years old. Everything about my parenting style and emotional well-being is better. I am overall a better person than I was back then. Growth is an extraordinarily challenging and equally rewarding process. Parenting “my way” is much more free, gentle, and child focused than it was with my oldest daughter. I let the twins make way more messes than they should. Their clothes on a regular day are mediocre at best. I only comb their hair when absolutely necessary. I let them explore whatever interests them. Generally speaking, I allow them to be free spirits, with just enough boundaries to keep them alive. They get much more of my time because there’s a level of guilt with having kids at an older age. It’s ever-present in my mind that no matter how long I live, the twins will inevitably lose their mother at a younger age than my other kids. Therefore, I feel obligated to set them up for success much earlier in their lives, which also contributed to my decision to move abroad.
At this point in my life, I can say with 100% certainty that the Mama Mia I am today only vaguely resembles the Mama Mia I was at sixteen years old.
As strange as this may sound, although I parented all of my children differently, and very unconventionally, I actually have a great relationship with all of them. No relationship is perfect, but I really like my kids, and enjoy spending time with them. They are literally my best friends! They all have very unique, and equally great personalities. They’re all responsible, hardworking, and determined. And in some way, I see myself in all of them. But the most amazing thing about each of my kids is that they reflect the version of me that gave birth to them.
My oldest daughter is controlling and rebellious, the mirror image of me at sixteen years old. My son is very nonchalant and carefree. He hides his feelings under a smile and a joke, exactly like I used to at twenty-two. My three middle babies were all born in a similar period of my life but I can still see the differences in them. I was going through some emotional trauma when I gave birth to my third child, but I was working extensively and focusing on material things because that was the part of my life I had full control over. Well she is a hard worker, keeps a job and a side hustle at all times,
and she’s pretty materialistic.
By the time I had my fourth child, I was over everything. I was tired and depressed, so I slept a lot. I appeared emotionless, even though I had a raging fury of emotions internally. She definitely reflects that period of my life. Sleeping is her absolute favorite pastime, and although she has thoughts and feelings about everything, she very seldom expresses them.
Then there’s my fifth baby girl. She was born to an emotionally dead mother. I was literally just existing. My primary focus in life was to just make it through each day, and I was laser focused on doing just that. Although she’s not necessarily a sad person, she definitely appears to be a lot of times. Her resting b*tch face is very convincing. However, she is the most focused, logical, and responsible child I have. Her ability to tune out everything going on in the world and focus on whatever she sets her mind to do is unmatched and extremely admirable. Finally, there are my Twinkies. They were born to a much more stable mother, who was enjoying life. Needless to say, these girls are completely free spirits. They totally enjoy life every day, no matter what is going on around them. But most importantly, they believe in themselves. They honestly believe that there is nothing that is impossible for them, and I admire that.
Thank you for reading. If you want more of the story, be sure to read my next blog, Moving Abroad: The Decision.